On a more serious note...

          Guess who's fat and sucks at daily blog posts?! That's right Ladies and Gents, it's ME! In my defense, Fat chicks have a lot to deal with on a daily basis. I'm a wife, which obviously means I have a fat husband at home to feed. I'm a mother, and while my 2 year old isn't old enough to be called "fat", she still attempts to eat me out of house and home. I work full-time as a Pre-K teacher playing games, eating snacks, and making messes. In my free time, I work on crossing restaurants off my Food Bucket List and I read contemporary romance novels. So as you can tell folks, I am completely devoted to eating and being a child! Sometimes that gets in the way of being an adult, even more often, it gets in the way of being the best blogger ever, but I'm back fatties!

        While we are clearing things up, there is something I would like to clarify...

       If I offend anyone, I'm sorry and not for offending you, but for the sad fact that you are either a skinny girl who complains "Ugh, I'm so fat" while slipping into your size 6 "Fat Pants" or you are indeed fat and have no sense of humor. There is nothing worse than a fat girl who can't roll with the punches. It's OK to not enjoy being fat. I DON'T enjoy being fat. I would love to be skinny, I would love to get the looks and boob stares I used to get, I want my husband to brag about me, I want to be the hot mom when I drop the kids off at school and I want to like what I see in the mirror.

 
     Right now, that isn't who I am. I want to be skinny, I want to be cat whistled at by some obnoxious construction workers (i.e. My Husband), I want other fat moms to hate me someday but right now that's not the case. I will get there, I will break off this love affair I have with food someday but do you know what I won't do? I WILL NOT make myself ugly on the inside to match myself on the outside. I'm not going to get butt hurt when someone calls me out on the truth, I wont walk on eggshells with myself or anyone else. I will not take offense when someone says, "We just ate" or when some blog whore tells me I can't wear pants my vagina enjoys eating. I will continue to call out fat girls for the dumb shit they do, the ridiculous things they wear, and the utter nonsense they tell themselves in order to convince others that eating dinner at the fair is in fact a good idea because I am the fat girl I'm calling out.
       I have been humiliated with the best of them. When I was in middle school I really liked this goofy kid who was tall, lanky and had the most awful Dumbo ears, Hindsight is 20/20. During our science class, taught by a fat lesbian lady, Dumbo's best friend, a fellow fatty with fucked up teeth, told me to go out into the breezeway because Dumbo wanted to ask me out. I being the stupid girl I was am, believed him. I stood on the breezeway for what felt like 30 minutes before the fat best friend strolled out moooo-ing at me. That's right, the mother fucker moo-ed at me. I was pissed but I never cried. I got over it and moved on. Now when I think about that situation I laugh. I was a size 9 with giant boobs for my age. I would kill to look like that again.
    If you are offended by the things I type then chances are you have some changes to make. Whether it's in weight or attitude, that's for you to decide. Roll with the punches, do something to change yourself instead of being upset with the actions and words of another. Being sad and depressed makes people like us eat, that's the complete opposite of what we need! Laugh it off, be a bitch, and #SuckInYourThighs.

Liar! Liar! Please Set Those Pants on Fire

     As a fat girl, I feel it is my duty to inform the female race on the do's don'ts and don'ts of stretchy pants, shirts, or anything else for that matter. I have compiled a list of 5 fabulous reasons why you should never, under any circumstance, leave your home wearing anything that stretches more than an inch in any direction.

   1. Forget muffin top. When you stuff your thunder thighs into a pair of yoga pants you look more like a busted can of biscuits. It only hides your lumps from a distance of maybe 20 feet and at that distance people are already flinching in anticipation of the Pillsbury "pop".

   2. People still know your fat. Chances are it is written all over your face, chins, back boobs, and arm flaps. Sucking in your calf fat in a pair of leggings or strapping in your FUPA, Fat Upper P#$$^ Area, with the roll top of a pair of yoga pants doesn't fool anyone!

   3. Camel Toes. Don't fat girls have enough eating issues to worry about without having to worry if their vagina is indulging on there pants? Pay attention to your who-ha, ladies. Obviously, they are not interested in devouring jeans and they typically turn their noses up at khakis but they almost always want to scarf stretchy pants down in one bite like a two-bite cupcake.

    4. Liar Liar, Please Set Those Pants on Fire. I will be the first person to admit that slightly-stretchy cotton material is a fantastic choice for any sort of "running", that's a relative term for me remember. It is one of the only things that keeps your thighs from igniting. BUT! When your fat, people can tell if you have indeed been active. Red face, sweat stains under your front and back boobs, and a very questionable stench from at least 20 yards. If your hair is cute and you have fresh makeup there is no reason your lumpy ass should be in a pair of yoga pants.

     5.  Zip and Fit are not synonyms. This is a big one for yoga pants and leggings but even more so for tops. Just because the tube top comes in XXL doesn't mean you should wear it. You will end up looking like one of those trick cans where the snake flies out, except even more terrifying. Also, if your top is so tight that I can see your belly button through it, chances are I'm picturing you as the walking, talking donut you resemble.

      It's time to dress our bodies for what they are, not what they could be will never be. Put away the spandex, light the yoga pants on fire, and for the love of god, leggings are to be used like pantyhose. If you wouldn't wear your crop top with a pair of sheer knee highs and nothing else, you shouldn't do it with leggings either! Unless you want to end up on People of Walmart, that is. Suck it up, ditch the stretchy shit, and don't forget to #SuckInYourThighs.

Confessions of a fat girl

    Confessions of a fat girl #1: I only have the ability to use my will power once a day.

   This week started off pretty good! I "ran" 3 miles on Sunday. While I was out I was kindly whistled at by a gentleman driving past. While you skinny bitches turn up your noses in disgust, I'm choosing to take the whistle as a reminder that while I may be fat, I still have boobs. That's really all that matters, right?! Men claim to like thin waists, bug butts, and a thigh gap but they aren't ever going to turn down some stare-time at bouncing boobies on the side of the road. So while Sundays food choices did included chili, McDonald's new mozzarella sticks (don't bother, they suck) and a chocolate chip cookie I'm still giving myself points for "running" and a bonus slap on the ass for earning a whistle!

     Monday was on track for a gold star until I realized that I only have the ability to exercise my will power once a day. I used my lunch break to run 2 miles. I stopped halfway through my "run", I use that word loosely, to grab a bite to eat. Bad Idea! When I stepped through the doors I was smacked in the nose with the scent of calories. (If you don't know what calories smell like your thighs probably don't touch.) Then I saw it. Peanut butter chocolate cream pie. Right there in fucking front of me. Homemade by some sweet fat Amish women in a homeade apron on a homemade table. How does one say no to such a thing? She pictures herself barfing it all up on her 1 mile trot back to work, that's how! Well first I did imagine myself slowly walking back to work with pie in hand stuffing my face as I went. No fork, just straight up eating that shit like I was racing an Asian man to eat the most hotdogs in 5 minutes. It had the same chunky ending. Will power asserted, crisis adverted.
    Two miles, no pie! Sounds like a shitty, I mean, healthy day right? Oh it was until dinner time rolled around. As we discussed, I had already used my will power once so when the idea of Wendy's presented itself I was dead in the water. I didn't just eat Wendy's either. I fuckin' chowed down. Later, sitting on the couch admiring all of the carnage left behind from the War on Food, I couldn't even make myself regret the decision. I enjoyed every last bite of that greasy burger and spicy chili until I was ready to pop.

    Go ahead tell me I will do better tomorrow and that it takes hard work. You know what takes hard work? Finding ways to creatively order food at a drive-thru so they don't realize all the food is for you. Hard work is trying to convince your 2 year old they won't like something just so you don't have to share. Being fat is a full time job and some one has to do it! When the zombies come you will all thank me for my hidden food and cheese burger addiction. If all else fails you can always eat me first, there will be plenty to go around!
    Until next time, don't forget to #SuckInYourThighs.

Welcome

     Starting a new blog is fun! About as fun as running, eating granola, or punching bee hives. I have followed many weight loss blogs that leave me feeling proud of myself for eating the last Christmas tree cake. "You can do it! It's just one bad day!" "Stick with it! You'll be thin if you believe!" The only thing I believe is that I'm fat and love food, not to mention, it's not just one bad day! All of my days are full of bad choices, wiggly thighs, and more calories than I would like to admit.

      Its time to get it together girls! We are going to shame ourselves thin slightly less fat. A little love goes a long way, but a lot of shaming lasts forever! Tell your girlfriends to lick the donut glaze off their fingers and check me out. Push out your boobs, suck in your thighs, and get ready to work kinda try!
     We can do this together and when we fail, there will be more of us to meet up and eat our sorrows away! So grab a pint of ice cream, sit on your asses, and enjoy the show. Damn! I mean get out there and be healthy-ish, Fatty!