Confessions of a fat girl

    Confessions of a fat girl #1: I only have the ability to use my will power once a day.

   This week started off pretty good! I "ran" 3 miles on Sunday. While I was out I was kindly whistled at by a gentleman driving past. While you skinny bitches turn up your noses in disgust, I'm choosing to take the whistle as a reminder that while I may be fat, I still have boobs. That's really all that matters, right?! Men claim to like thin waists, bug butts, and a thigh gap but they aren't ever going to turn down some stare-time at bouncing boobies on the side of the road. So while Sundays food choices did included chili, McDonald's new mozzarella sticks (don't bother, they suck) and a chocolate chip cookie I'm still giving myself points for "running" and a bonus slap on the ass for earning a whistle!

     Monday was on track for a gold star until I realized that I only have the ability to exercise my will power once a day. I used my lunch break to run 2 miles. I stopped halfway through my "run", I use that word loosely, to grab a bite to eat. Bad Idea! When I stepped through the doors I was smacked in the nose with the scent of calories. (If you don't know what calories smell like your thighs probably don't touch.) Then I saw it. Peanut butter chocolate cream pie. Right there in fucking front of me. Homemade by some sweet fat Amish women in a homeade apron on a homemade table. How does one say no to such a thing? She pictures herself barfing it all up on her 1 mile trot back to work, that's how! Well first I did imagine myself slowly walking back to work with pie in hand stuffing my face as I went. No fork, just straight up eating that shit like I was racing an Asian man to eat the most hotdogs in 5 minutes. It had the same chunky ending. Will power asserted, crisis adverted.
    Two miles, no pie! Sounds like a shitty, I mean, healthy day right? Oh it was until dinner time rolled around. As we discussed, I had already used my will power once so when the idea of Wendy's presented itself I was dead in the water. I didn't just eat Wendy's either. I fuckin' chowed down. Later, sitting on the couch admiring all of the carnage left behind from the War on Food, I couldn't even make myself regret the decision. I enjoyed every last bite of that greasy burger and spicy chili until I was ready to pop.

    Go ahead tell me I will do better tomorrow and that it takes hard work. You know what takes hard work? Finding ways to creatively order food at a drive-thru so they don't realize all the food is for you. Hard work is trying to convince your 2 year old they won't like something just so you don't have to share. Being fat is a full time job and some one has to do it! When the zombies come you will all thank me for my hidden food and cheese burger addiction. If all else fails you can always eat me first, there will be plenty to go around!
    Until next time, don't forget to #SuckInYourThighs.