Liar! Liar! Please Set Those Pants on Fire

     As a fat girl, I feel it is my duty to inform the female race on the do's don'ts and don'ts of stretchy pants, shirts, or anything else for that matter. I have compiled a list of 5 fabulous reasons why you should never, under any circumstance, leave your home wearing anything that stretches more than an inch in any direction.

   1. Forget muffin top. When you stuff your thunder thighs into a pair of yoga pants you look more like a busted can of biscuits. It only hides your lumps from a distance of maybe 20 feet and at that distance people are already flinching in anticipation of the Pillsbury "pop".

   2. People still know your fat. Chances are it is written all over your face, chins, back boobs, and arm flaps. Sucking in your calf fat in a pair of leggings or strapping in your FUPA, Fat Upper P#$$^ Area, with the roll top of a pair of yoga pants doesn't fool anyone!

   3. Camel Toes. Don't fat girls have enough eating issues to worry about without having to worry if their vagina is indulging on there pants? Pay attention to your who-ha, ladies. Obviously, they are not interested in devouring jeans and they typically turn their noses up at khakis but they almost always want to scarf stretchy pants down in one bite like a two-bite cupcake.

    4. Liar Liar, Please Set Those Pants on Fire. I will be the first person to admit that slightly-stretchy cotton material is a fantastic choice for any sort of "running", that's a relative term for me remember. It is one of the only things that keeps your thighs from igniting. BUT! When your fat, people can tell if you have indeed been active. Red face, sweat stains under your front and back boobs, and a very questionable stench from at least 20 yards. If your hair is cute and you have fresh makeup there is no reason your lumpy ass should be in a pair of yoga pants.

     5.  Zip and Fit are not synonyms. This is a big one for yoga pants and leggings but even more so for tops. Just because the tube top comes in XXL doesn't mean you should wear it. You will end up looking like one of those trick cans where the snake flies out, except even more terrifying. Also, if your top is so tight that I can see your belly button through it, chances are I'm picturing you as the walking, talking donut you resemble.

      It's time to dress our bodies for what they are, not what they could be will never be. Put away the spandex, light the yoga pants on fire, and for the love of god, leggings are to be used like pantyhose. If you wouldn't wear your crop top with a pair of sheer knee highs and nothing else, you shouldn't do it with leggings either! Unless you want to end up on People of Walmart, that is. Suck it up, ditch the stretchy shit, and don't forget to #SuckInYourThighs.